Kaitlyn Wins…the opportunity to be slut-shamed by a large group of men for the next 10 weeks (The Bachelorette Premiere Part 2 Recap)

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Last night confirmed what essentially everyone already knew, Kaitlyn is officially the newest Bachelorette.  After leaving us with a cliffhanger on Monday night Chris Harrison got right down to delivering the news to the women, and by right to I mean he drew it out for as long as possible, and threw in some Ryan Seacrest-y teasing, for Kaitlyn before letting her know Britt was sent home.  Sidenote:  They basically have to have two bachelors next season, right?  I mean that’s the only way this doesn’t look completely misogynistic and wrong.  I am anxiously awaiting the reveal during the After the FInal Rose special this season.  But anyways, let’s keep this ball rolling because  we’ve still got to break the news to the guys, and much to Kaitlyn’s surprise, there’s still a rose ceremony to contend with.

With Kaitlyn being announced as the bachelorette, the pressure moves on to the guys to impress her.  This task proves to be particularly daunting for the #TeamBritt guys who are now faced with the fact that their choice is no longer in the house.  But just because their dream wife just left in a limo doesn’t mean these guys shouldn’t stick around to get their 15 minutes of fame.  The only guys, who admitted to Kaitlyn they were hoping for Britt were Jared, who then proceeded to make his case for staying, and Brady who decided half way through the rose ceremony that he needed to bow out and go chase Britt down at her hotel.  Tony is especially upset, as he puts it there is “only one drinking fountain” that all the guys are now lined up at, and he might need to just go back home and “dig his own well.”  (It’s becoming more and more clear all the time why Tony is still on the market).

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As always, it appears that some of these people are not here for “the right reasons” The Bachelorette Premiere Part 1 Recap

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The weather is turning warmer, flower’s are blooming, this can only mean one thing.  It’s time to lock yourself inside and watch hours and hours of desperate people trying to find love.  It’s bachelorette season!  Last night the new season kicked off with a two-hour premiere that seemed to go by a lot faster than the three-hour marathon before the start of Chris’s season of The Bachelor.  If you haven’t watched last night’s episode yet, or even if you have, I highly suggest checking out Juliet Litman’s interview with the two ladies.  Despite what it looked like in the past, Kaitlyn and Britt seem to genuinely like each other, and Britt comes across as dramatically less annoying when she isn’t crying over Chris ever 15 seconds.  That being said, we’ve got a lot of ground to cover so let’s get started with the limo introductions.

Before the men arrive Chris Harrison tells the women the men will decide which of them is selected as The Bachelorette.  Britt with her trademark upbeat personality is accepting of this twist, and feels the process will still be successful.  Kaitlyn on the other hand just looks pissed, and her response after Britt finishes talking is, “yea, we’re very different people.” After a few more words of encouragement from Chris Harrison is time for the guys to arrive.  Initially production show’s a lot of support for #TeamBritt, most likely to try and throw off all the spoilers for the last few months that have Kaitlyn being the winner of this love battle.  There were far fewer crazy stunts coming out of the limo than in past seasons, probably due to the time crunch of having to talk to both girls.  JJ brought and hockey puck and told Kaitlyn he’d love to “puck” her, which she thought was hilarious.   Joe brought a jar of moonshine, and Justin, for reasons that aren’t entirely clear brought balloons and took a shot of helium before chatting Kaitlyn up.  After meeting Shawn B. who literally swept Britt off her feet before turning to Kaitlyn and saying that she was his reason for coming, Kaitlyn runs into the house to say see the guys for a second and my new found good feelings towards Britt went out the door.  Britt complains that Kaitlyn going inside of unfair and “cheating.”  Question for Britt: Why didn’t you just run in after her?  Britt should know by now that all’s fair in love, war, and crazy reality shows where desperate people fight for screen time in an effort to find love (or an acting contract).

The big drama of the night is Ryan M. and his level of intoxication.  Aside from the rape joke, which was clearly in bad taste, and one of the only times I really believed he was wasted, I kind of liked Ryan.  Most of the things he said were funny, and it seems pretty clear he came on this show to be the funny, crazy guy on night one and not because he actually wanted to marry Britt or Kaitlyn.  Unfortunately for Ryan, Chris Harrison catches wind of the fact that someone might not be there for “the right reasons,” and he gets an early ride out of the mansion and back to the junkyard.  (Ryan M. listed his profession as junkyard specialist, in case anyone missed that in his bio).

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The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown/Preview Part 2

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I’m back to break down all the worthy information about the remaining fella’s that will be battling for the chance to maybe briefly date Britt or Kaitlyn in real life.  I’m currently running about 3 hours behind schedule for when I was going to start today’s post, so let’s get right into the guys.

Joe

Name: Joe

Age: 28
Occupation: Insurance Agent
Hometown: Columbia, KY
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: None
All-time favorite movies: National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, The Blind Side, American Sniper
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression: As someone who has easily seen National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation more than 50 times, I can appreciate Joe’s fondness for it.  However, as much as I love watching that squirrel run around the house, there is very little chance I’m listing Christmas Vacation as one of my top 3 all-time favorite movies.  In response to where he sees himself in five years Joe replied: “Honestly that’s too far ahead. I’m a man that takes life one day at a time. If you look too far into the future you’ll ignore the present.”  I like the honesty here, a less sincere person could have gone for a response that involved being married to Britt or Kaitlyn.

Jonathan

Name: Jonathan

Age: 33
Occupation: Automotive Spokesman
Hometown: Detroit, MI
Tattoos: Yes
Favorite musical artists: Sam Smith, Snoop Dogg, Makonnen
Biggest date fear: For a woman to have bad breath

First Impression:  Jonathan considers himself romantic because he always tries to attend to a woman’s needs, and “not just in the bedroom” either.  He also wants to be mentored by Warren Buffett, so it seems like Jonathan is a great all around catch with big aspirations for himself.  Side note: Do we know if Britt brushes her teeth regularly?  We know she’s not a fan of showering, but I think we missed out on the rest of her hygiene routine.  If her brushing is as questionable as her showering Jonathan’s date fear could be coming true.

Josh

Name:  Josh

Age: 27
Occupation: Law Student/Exotic Dancer
Hometown: Chicago, IL
Height: 6’0″
Tattoos: Yes
All-time favorite movies: Mystic River, Selma, Wolf of Wall Street
Biggest date fear: She will have bad breath

First Impression:  Josh lists his occupation as law student/exotic dancer, however later in his bio he lists graduating from law school as his greatest accomplishment in life.  Something isn’t adding up here.  Also who would hire a lawyer that moonlights as an exotic dancer.  I think Josh possibly dresses up in judges robes as part of his exotic dancing routine, and decided to just say he went to law school.  In response to what marriage means to him Josh said: “It means you can no longer think about or consult only yourself. She is a part of you and you have to act accordingly.”  This sounds like the words of a guy who has not always acted “accordingly.”

Joshua

Name:  Joshua

Age: 31
Occupation: Industrial Welder
Hometown: Kuna, ID
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: Nine
All-time favorite movies: Dumb and Dumber, Tommy Boy, The Hangover
Biggest date fear: My mom walking in holding a kleenex to my nose and ordering me to blow

First Impression:  Based on his biggest date fear I’m assuming Joshua’s mom is a little overbearing, and protective of her son.  She must not be too protective though because somehow he ended up with those nine tattoos.  Joshua says being married means “finding that one person that God had tailor-made just for me.”  Yep, that’s definitely Britt or Kaitlyn, made just for you, and the 24 other guys you’ll be competing against.

justin

Name:  Justin

Age: 28
Occupation: Fitness Trainer
Hometown: Naperville, IL
Height: 5’11”
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: Limitless, Goodfellas, The Big Lebowski
Biggest date fear: Awkward silence

First Impression:  If Justin could be someone else for just one day he would be someone from a less privileged area or country because he feels it would be an “eye-opening/humbling experience.”  It’s hard for a fitness instructor bro to possibly image not living in his super privileged world, he would need to experience it first hand to understand what not being so awesome is like.  Okay, maybe I’m being too hard on Justin, but there is something about that answer that just rubbed me the wrong way.

Alright, not gonna lie, I’m just getting tired, so I’m going to wrap things up for today.  Check back Sunday evening for the remaining guys, and be sure to tune in Monday for the premiere of The Bachelorette.

Thoughts/Questions/Comments:  Feel free to contact me via email: SHMcG223@gmail.com or on Twitter: @NoOneGoesToClev

The Bachelorette Bio Breakdown/Preview Part 1

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First off, my apologies for being woefully absent from the blogging world the last couple of months.  As I stated in a previous post, a new position at work has given me a lot less time to sit and rehash the reality television programming we all know and love.  Also, in my defense the last couple of months have kind of been a wasteland on the reality tv front, after a lot of rich content this winter.  The good news is that the spring of our reality tv discontent is coming to an end with the return of The Bachelorette this coming Monday (5/18).  To get us excited about the shows return ABC released the bios of all the fellas who will be competing for the chance to briefly date either Kaitlyn or Britt.  The is a lot of guys to cover, so many in fact that I’m planning to do this over a couple of days, so let’s not waste anymore time and get right into the guys.  (Side note before I begin.  I fully admit this is a ripoff of The Right Reason’s podcast which covers this same topic.  This year Juliet and Jacoby did a live taping of their breakdown of all the new guys, and I highly recommend you check out their assessment as well.  After reading this of course).

The Guys

Ben H

Name: Ben H.

Age: 26
Occupation: Software Salesman
Hometown: Denver, CO
Height: 6’4″
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: The Sandlot, Crash, 500 Days of Summer
Biggest date fear: Eating something that doesn’t agree with me and then sitting through the entire date fighting a stomach ache.

First Impression:  Following the women from the last season of The Bachelor, many of the guys vying for Kaitlyn and Britt’s hearts are terrified are some sort of stomach ailment during a date.  While this would certainly be shitty, pun intended, it certainly doesn’t seem like the worst thing that could happen.  My personal biggest date fear has always been being kidnapped and murdered.  Granted this seems like a pretty unlikely scenario to happen while filming The Bachelorette with all the camera’s around, but in the real world it’s a totally legitimate fear and much more terrifying than a bathroom situation. (This fear also may be part of why I don’t date much).  My other big takeaway from Ben is his response to what being married means to him.  His response was: “It is a total sacrifice. Marriage is about a commitment to another person and total sacrifice to fulfill that commitment.”  Wow, that sounds like a good time.  I’m not sure why anyone who describes marriage this way would actually want to get married, but since there is very little chance of getting married by being on this show it seems like maybe Ben is in the right place for now.

Ben Z

Name: Ben Z.

Age: 26
Occupation: Fitness Coach
Hometown: San Jose, CA
Height: 6’4″
Tattoos: Two
All-time favorite movies: Gladiator, Gone in 60 Seconds, Wedding Crashers
Biggest date fear: Falling for someone that doesn’t feel the same way

First Impression:  At first I liked this Ben a lot better than the other one.  His first date fear is legit, he describes marriage as finding he can share his life with and “have a blast while doing it,” and he lists his mom (who seems to have passed away) as the person he would most like to have lunch with because he would take any extra second he could have with her.  For most of his bio Ben Z. seems like a tall, good-looking, nice guy, but right at the end their was something concerning.  In response to the most outrageous thing he’s ever done, he responds by saying he is working on this, as he used to be “pretty reserved or calculated.”  Something using calculated there sets off alarm bells for me.  Ben is either a jerk pretending to be a nice guy, or he’s trying to become the next Bachelor (or I’m completely overreacting and he’s just a super fella).

Bradley

Name: Bradley

Age: 25
Occupation: International Auto Shipper
Hometown: Atlanta, GA
Height: 6’2″
Tattoos: One
All-time favorite movies: Wolf of Wall Street, Will Ferrell movies, Rainman
Biggest date fear: Someone who can’t handle or understand my sarcasm

First Impression:  For the most part Bradley seems pretty dull.  I do however appreciate his date fear, as someone with a dry/sarcastic sense of humor this is a fear I have anytime I’m interacting with new people.  According to his bio Bradley was an all-american division one tennis player.  Doesn’t Andi play tennis?  If things don’t work out with Britt or Kaitlyn maybe Bradley can go back to Atlanta and find love with the former Bachelorette.

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I hope Paula is Laughing Somewhere (The Challenge: Battle of the Exes II Episode 10 Recap)

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This week’s episode featured the exit of one of the top teams in the game, one of the scariest challenges in series history, and the biggest power move by a female player in challenge history.  As opposed to The Real World, which is still in limbo, The Challenge has been renewed for another season.  I take this as great news, The Challenge entertains me week after week unlike any other show, that being said, let’s get into this week’s episode.

The week’s episode opened with the remnants of Hurricane Nia blowing through the nomination ceremony.  Leroy finally calmed Nia down enough so that Sarah and Jordan could confirm they were still being sent in, and then it was time to head to the dome.

The week’s dome brought back a classic elimination challenge, “hall brawl,” the object of this game is to run down a narrow hallway, fight your way past your opponent and tag your partner at the opposite end, the partners then run back down the hallway, and the first time to ring their bell wins the round.  The winner is the team to take the best two out of three matches.  The no longer “roided-up” Wes is at a significant disadvantage against the much bigger Leroy, and clearly Wes knows this, as he dives at Leroy’s shins to avoid contact, rather than taking a big hit in the hallway.  Wes’s strategy does not pay off, and after (maybe) faking an injured neck, he and Theresa are quickly eliminated 2-0.  Following their elimination, Theresa whines and cries about how it isn’t fair she’s going home.  This is basically all Theresa has done since Banana’s and Nany got back into the house, further proving why she is one of the least enjoyable people to watch on these shows.

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The Skeleton’s Are Out of the Closet (The Real World Skeletons Finale Recap)

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This week marked the end of The Real World Skeletons, and many people have speculated maybe the end of the series as well.  It has been widely reported that The Real World has not yet been renewed for a 31st season, while The Challenge and Are you the One  have both been re-upped for another go.  It’s worth noting that The Real World wasn’t confirmed for season 30 until April of last year, so it’s not time to panic about the series ending just yet (source).  Instead of dwelling on the negative possibilities let’s jump in and talk about the finale (which was also pretty negative and dark, but who cares).

A large chunk of this episode focuses on the conclusion of the fight between Nicole and Jason.  We never see exactly what Jason did, but clearly he went way past the line for how a man should handle a woman, or anyone for that matter.  Nicole is quoted as saying he “threw” her, which sounds a little confusing and a lot inappropriate.  Nicole was understandably extremely upset at this treatment by her former best friend in the house, and by all accounts the two have still not repaired the bond they once had.

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Becca May be a Pod Person and Feminism Takes a Hit (The Bachelor Finale Recap)

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It’s over.  After the classic three-hour “drama” filled marathon, another season of The Bachelor is behind us.  Despite Chris Harrison’s attempts to make us believe otherwise, this was one of the least dramatic finale’s in the shows history.  The biggest reason for the lack of drama was Becca, who is an emotionless pod person from another planet, hoping to conquer us by mating with our farmers and taking over our food production.  It’s either that or Becca is basically the only sane, logical woman to ever come on this show.  Not only was Becca not in love with Chris before she got out of the limo the first night, (unlike most of the other women on the show) she still wasn’t sure she was in love with him heading into a maybe proposal in a freezing cold barn in Iowa.  Becca’s inability to confirm that she was in love with Chris made the decision fairly simple.  You don’t want to be The Bachelor who picks the woman who “just wasn’t into you” per Jimmy Kimmel.  Not only does Becca not shed a tear while Chris is breaking up with her, she also stays emotionless during the limo ride away, and during the After The Final Rose special.  I’ve probably never liked Becca more than I did last night, even if she is  a pod person, she seems like a very logical one, and the planet could probably use some new rulers anyways.

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Total Eclipse of the Heart aka The Return of Banany (The Challenge: Battle of The Exes II Recap)

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I loved this week of The Challenge, while I haven’t always been his biggest fan, things just don’t feel right without Johnny Banana’s in the house and we finally got him back this week.  But before we can get to the return of Banany, we’ve got some other things to cover, so let’s get started.

Wes is feeling great at the beginning of this week’s episode.  After eliminating his nemesis Johnny Banana’s earlier in the season, and pulling some Jedi mind tricks on Leroy to get him to throw in Zach last week, Wes feels like he is controlling the game, he just needs to make one more move.  Wes goes to Leroy and Jordan and asks them to agree to throw in Jay and Jenna for the final elimination.  Leroy will take virtually any deal offered to him, and is immediately on board.  Jordan and Sarah on the other hand are not so trusting of Wes and decide this isn’t something they can agree to.  Jordan also decides to mention Theresa being a bitch, which while true, doesn’t help him and Sarah much in the house.  Jordan also brings up that Wes is not the same “roided up” guy that he was in the past.  (Between this comment, winning the challenge, and admitting that he doesn’t need to get any “douchier”, it was a great performance by Jordan all around this week).  Just when it is looking like Sarah and Jordan might be heading into all remaining elimination rounds the group gets a message from TJ, and it’s time to make a surprise trip to the dome.

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Wine and Roses (The Real World Skeletons Episode 12 Recap)

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I had hoped to get this week’s post up earlier, but due to a lack of time and some writer’s block it didn’t happen.  Despite that fact I’m still excited to talk about the latest drama filled episode, so let’s get started.

Last week’s episode closed out with Madison getting flowers from an unknown sender with a card asking her to meet him for lunch.  All week it was teased that the latest skeleton was Madison’s ex-boyfriend, and most people assumed that meant the boyfriend she went through her heroin addiction with.  As the newest skeleton arrived however, we learned there are some places even The Real World won’t go.  The ex was not the one who led Madison down the wrong path, but another ex-boyfriend from around that time period who left Madison when her addiction to drugs was more than he could handle.

Despite the fact that he is supposed to be Madison’s more respectable ex, when they head out to the bar Madison says that she knows Skyler is a great time, and that he’s crazy.  Skyler then does his best to prove his insanity by squeezing a lemon wedge into his eye for no apparent reason.  One person not impressed by these antics is Tony, the suddenly jealous boyfriend.  Following the lemon squeezing incident Tony pulls Madison aside to remind her that there is no “Tony 2.0…there’s just Tony” (which caused me to think, “thank god”).  Something about the way Tony popped his collar while delivering this speech reminded me of another famous Tony, Elaine’s ex-boyfriend from Seinfeld, who caused Jerry to coin the phrase “mimbo.”  During this episode I finally realized that Tony really is a mimbo.  Tony loses some of his mimbo charm in the next sequence when he decides to take out his frustration on the flowers Skyler sent Madison by throwing them from the second floor to the kitchen below.  Tony tries to follow that up with throwing Skyler’s bed down, but Nicole overpowers him and he gives up and goes to bed.  There is a happy ending to this volatile situation however, as Skyler and Tony make up like bro’s the next morning, and after saying goodbye to Madison we’re down to one skeleton left for this season.

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You’ve Lost that Loving Feeling (The Challenge: Battle of the Exes 2 Episode Recap)

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As with The Real World, I am way late with my entrance to the blogging game for this season of The Challenge, but don’t worry!  I have been watching closely all season, and am excited to start sharing my thoughts with you as we approach the end of another quality run of The Challenge.

-Biggest take away from this episode: is it possible for Zach to be a bigger asshole.  I didn’t watch the second San Diego season, so my introduction to Zach was on Battle of the Seasons, and he didn’t make a great first impression.  The way he and Frank treated Sam, particularly during the final mission was disgusting, and quickly turned them into some of my least favorite challengers.  However over his last few appearances on The Challenge, Zach had really been growing on me.  He still acted like a douche occasionally, but generally speaking he seemed like a nicer, calmer guy, and he was even good for a funny soundbite from time to time.  This season has made me realize I was right the first time.  I wouldn’t ever say Jonna is my favorite person on these shows, but she’s far from my least favorite, and Zach has treated her like trash from the moment they stepped into the house.  This week, not only did Zach berate Jonna when she did nothing wrong, (her jumping off the truck at the end did not result in a DQ) he also cost the team a victory when he jumped too soon.  That night Zach makes a very half-hearted effort to apologize, but the apology quickly turns into another attack on Jonna who FINALLY says she’s done with him (I doubt that’s really true, but still nice to hear).

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